The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
