broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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