Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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