i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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