Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
