So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
