Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
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You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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