So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
