mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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