We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
