I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
