im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
