Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I am spending my child support on dildos
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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