She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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