I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
