She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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