Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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