____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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