it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
