You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
