Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
i need some magic done to my vagina
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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