I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
