Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
