I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
