I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
