I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize