I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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