I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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