I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
