I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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