On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You are a genius and a whore.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
