I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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