Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
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