Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
