Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
