I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
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