Where did you get a picture of my penis
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
