I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
