Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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