I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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