Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
