my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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