Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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