3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Duck Duck Cougar?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
