Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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