I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
