He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
