so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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