I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
