you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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