i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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