If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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