you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
