I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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