I'm going to rape someone's good day.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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