just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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