do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
