Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
