I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
