i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
