this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I did not marry a roomba.
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